changes…

Since the last time I posted a blog I have become an ordained reverend and written a play (well 1 and 1/2 still working on one).  Oh and I kinda have a boyfriend (can you call them BOYfriend if they’re over 50).  That last bit is the most interesting and disrupting of my normalcy.  I’m not sure if I can allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable enough to let it grow.  That’s just me being honest.  Vulnerability is scary. Do I completely let my guard down and risk getting hurt again?  I mean I’m too old for crying myself to sleep if things don’t work out.  It seems really trivial anyway with all the real problems in the world. I think if I am really being honest with myself what really scares me the most is that it may actually work out.  I mean, seriously, what if it does actually work out?  Then what becomes of my autonomy?  What becomes of my solitude?  What becomes of my ability to do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anybody?  Relationships are hard work.  Would I be losing my sense of who I am becoming (and believe me, as old as I am, I am still becoming)?  I like that I can go to PCJ right after work and study until they kick me out.  I like that I can have cake for dinner.  I like that cooking is optional and pajamas don’t matter.  I like  not getting a pedicure except on special occasions and not shaving my pits if I don’t want to.  I like farting loudly and not having to excuse myself.  I like being unencumbered by the need to “take care of my man”.  So do I just keep my guard up and smile prettily when he’s in town and just go back to boogers and toe jam when he’s gone?  Or do I allow it to grow if it is indeed meant to grow into a full blown relationship? It’s a scary prospect.  The prospect of feeling compelled to try to become what he wants me to be instead of simply being who I am.  And why do we do that anyway? Why do we try to become what they want instead of the other way around?  Is it those pesky fairy tales that were read to us when we were kids?  Those stories that erroneously led us to believe that we have to be perfect to be loved. That we have to sing and birds come and land on our shoulders, or that we can turn the raving beast into a handsome prince.  Who wrote that crap???  It is probably the reason why, in this patriarchal society, girls who are strong and independent are called mean and bossy and that other “B” word.  I enjoy being free to be  myself.  I guess the real deal is, if me and Mr. Man are going to become anything real he will have to understand who I am.  He will have to realize that I will compromise no more than he does and we will have to meet somewhere in the middle.  Now, I know that some Sally super-christian or Paul perpetrator will say,”but the bible says…”I would love to discuss that with you, just make sure you know what it says in the original text (not the KJV either that’s not the original text) then we can have an informed discussion. But anyway…I guess we will just have to see how it all plays out.  In the mean time, I’m still gonna have cake for dinner when I feel like it whether he’s in town or not.  He’ll just have to get used to me being me and he can be himself and we’ll either learn that we like each other the way we are or we will go our separate ways.  Either way, pedicures are still for special occasions…

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~ by Diva2de on March 24, 2017.

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