On the Cusp

I remember when I was married and unhappy and depressed and suicidal.  Those were dark days for me.  I wasn’t sure if I would survive.  My soul had closed in on itself not allowing any light in.  My heart was a desolate place and my mind was filled with confusion.  I wanted something else but I didn’t know what it was that I wanted.  The pain was too much to bear.  I didn’t know how I was going to give the love and support to my 3 kids when I didn’t love and support myself.  How could I teach them that their dreams were attainable when I hadn’t achieved mine and felt I never would?  How was I going to go on living when inside all I felt was death? So I cried out to God.  Yes, I cried out to God because I was on sinking sand, and as a kid I learned a hymn “On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand”.  I was angry at God and I really let Him (or Her) have it! Why did you let all these things happen to me?  Why couldn’t I be happy?  Why don’t I know who I am? I screamed and I cried until I was physically exhausted.   Then, in that moment when all my anger and energy was gone, I heard that still small voice…it’s not audible it’s an unction a compelling force that you hear in your mind and feel in your heart.  It told me to go to the bible and find out who I am.  So I began to read in a way that I never had before.  I read with curiosity and not compulsion.  I read with openness and I found the answers that I needed.  Many people say that “religion is the opiate of the masses”, but religion is not what I’m talking about here.  I’m talking about a journey of self discovery.   2 Corinthians 5:17 told me that  I am a new creation, the old things are passed away.  All things become new.  That said to me that I didn’t have to stay in the darkness and pain.  Romans 8:35 told me that nothing could separate me from His love.  John 3:16 told me that He loved me so much that He turned Himself into Himself and died in my place.  From that point I was able to let the Light in.   This was just the first step in that journey, it pointed me in the right direction.  I know that I am loved by Love itself.  I am forgiven and I am healed.  I still mess up but when I do I don’t beat myself up.  Now all these years later I stand at the cusp of my last semester as an undergrad and those dark days are just a memory. I still have bad days I have been able to endure because know that I am being constantly transformed by the renewing of my mind.  In five months on December 13, 2014, when I graduate with by BA in Psychology, when I go on to get my Life Coach Certification, my MFA in Creative Writing/Poetry and MDiv, I will sing loud and proud To God be the Glory for the things He (or She) has done!

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~ by Diva2de on August 15, 2014.

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