a fool for pain…

I admit that in my younger days I did many stupid things in the name of love.  I try not to remember them.  I was recently reminded of a relationship (?) in which I was particularly foolish.  This is how it started.  I was on Facebook and decided to see if I could find some people who I knew from my Army days.  I went to the search section and began to enter names.  Then i thought about that guy…the one that I was so crazy about.  The one that I thought was going to give me an engagement ring for my birthday.  That guy.  The one for whom I was completely outside of my mind and my character.  The one for whom I was a fool.  I typed in his name with my hands shaking, my heart pounding and sweat breaking out on my forehead, and it popped up.  Even though his profile picture was not of himself but for a symbol of an organization I knew it was him because of the name.  He didn’t like his real name, so he create a more palatable moniker. His Facebook profile had his government name and parenthetically inserted his chosen name.  Then I clicked on photos and after almost 30 years there he was.  Older, fatter, but still pretty much the same  except for the glasses.  (I guess presbiopia caught up with that lazy left eye).  I think i saw him clearly for the first time.  This time I wasn’t looking at him as a barely 21-year-old starving for love and affection. I wasn’t looking at him through the eyes of my insecurities but through the eyes of a grown a-word woman who has lived through some stuff and finally grown up.  Then I realized just how much of a fool I was.  When I met him I had just gotten to Ft. Hood Texas, had recently finished AIT and was farther away from home than I’d ever been in my life.  One of my friends who had graduated AIT before me introduced me to him on a double date with some weirdo that liked her.  She didn’t really like the weirdo but he had a car and so…But I had seen this guy the first day I arrived at the unit and my heart skipped a beat.  He was everything that I liked and them some.  He was tall, dark and (I thought at the time) handsome, and he was bow-legged, which I found extremely sexy.  We laughed, talked and had lots of fun because we were both nervous and had a penchant for using comedy to ease awkward situations.  We began to see each other off and on (in secret).  The reason for the secret is because I was pregnant.  Although everyone in the unit knew it was very early in my pregnancy and I wasnt showing.    I, of course, moved out of the barracks and got my own place.  As my daughter remained with my sister in NC, we continued to see each other , in secret.  Why In secret?  That’s a good question.  We were both single so there was no logical explanation for it to remain a secret.  He was young, and so was I.  To him it was more important what his friends thought about us seeing each other than us being together (that’s what I told myself). I would come to the barracks at night and pick him up, we spent the night together and then the next morning I would drop him off (extremely early) for PT.  On the weekends he would go club hopping with his friends to Austin.  No matter how much I tried to get him to spend time with me on weekends he wanted to be with his friends.  This continued for about 7 or 8 months.  We’d make plans and he would stand me up, but no matter how many times he did that, when I got that late night booty call I would go and pick him up.   Not long after,  I got orders for Germany.  We talked about the possibility of him coming with me.  If we got married he would be able to come with me.  He said he wanted to think about it.  The funny thing about all this is that when it was just the two of us we had a great time, just like that first night.  But looking back I realize that he didn’t love or respect me, and I made it easy for him to disrespect me by accepting his unacceptable behavior.  I did everything I could to please him, and nothing was ever enough.  You would think I would have figured it out when for my birthday he made a big production out of giving me my birthday present as if he was about to propose and then handed me a watch.  He never took our relationship seriously. Still a glutton for punishment, before I left he asked me if he could buy my car.  I said sure.  He said that he would give me some negligable amount of money and make the payments.  Fool that I was I agreed to it. He never made a single payment on the car.  I had to send him letters  threatening to contact his company commander to get him to take the car back to Wheels of Texas.   I don’t think he ever  considered us in a relationship.  To him we were just “kicking it”.  The problem with that kind of arrangement is that one person is doing the kicking and the other is just getting kicked.  I decided not to send him a friend request on Facebook.  I don’t know if we were ever really friends.  I don’t even think I actually loved him.  He was an addiction that I finally kicked.

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~ by Diva2de on August 15, 2013.

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