Feeling some type of way

I’m feeling some type of way today and I have been since I got the news.  Someone related to me died.  He was older and much bigger and when I heard the news of his death I wasn’t sure how I felt.  Sorta like I did when my grandfather died.  You see, like my grandfather this relative touched me inappropriately when I was a little kid.  I find myself wondering if there’s some kinda physical mark on a person who has been sexually victimized that tells other predators of their vulnerability. I mean I understand about the spiritual transfer.  Lust is a spirit.  some folks may take issue with me saying that because sexual victimization is not about sex.  No, but it is about lust.  the lust for power the lust for control the lust for gratification.  Spirits are transferable and the victim of a sexual predator is left with the residual transfer of the spirit of  lust to them.  That residual lustful spirit manifests itself in different ways that leave the victim forever in psychosexual limbo.  Unable to determine what is  in bounds what it out-of-bounds, what is depravity, what is their own desire or what is the fading memory of the act that was perpetrated upon them.  Guilt, shame, indecision, confusion and a warped concept of self as object or cause plague the victim of sexual predators most of their lives.  But still I wonder if there is a mark.  something physically discernible that only a nother predator can see.  As a survivor of sexual victimization i have created an extensive web of defenses so thick that they could not even be penetrated by the man I was married to for 18 years.  As a young girl I was super angry such that I was labeled among the lovely sisters as “the mean one”.  I didn’t mind fighting at the slightest provocation.  My need to not be vulnerable even now is so strong that I will keep people at a distance if I see that they have the ability to really get close to me.  Trust from me doesn’t come easy especially if you happen to be of the male persuasion.  How can you trust anybody really when you are constantly preyed upon by the people who you are supposed to be able to trust?  As I attended this funeral and the family members talked about the gentle giant that their sibling was, I could only remember him with his sweaty hand over my mouth while he placed his huge body over mine and groped in my underwear with the other.  (By this time I’d already learned that when you tell people won’t believe you, or they say you’re “just so dramatic”.) I didn’t even realize that I still had so much anger toward this deceased older cousin.  Actually I hadn’t thought about him in years.  It was like I’d erased the memory of his existence from my mind.  Now that I have been reminded of his existence, I’m reminded of his actions.  I’m feeling some type of way about that.  I’m just not sure what way…

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~ by Diva2de on April 7, 2013.

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