The Saga continues

Every time I think I understand algebra something else comes along and I’m completely stumped.  I really want to give up.  Just drop out of school and sell frozen cups on the side of the highway (but that wouldn’t really work because they are only popular in the summer time, then I’d have to find something else to do inside in the winter).  This is crazy!  I’m really not a dumb person but algebra really wrecks my confidence! No matter how many pep talks I give myself, no matter how many pep talks other people give me, no matter how many tutoring sessions I sit in on no matter what!  I can’t grasp this stuff!  I’m frustrated and starting to feel defeated!  I’m silently screaming at the top of my lungs and it seems nothing is helping me.  I’m an old fat black woman and so when I walk into the math lab nobody is falling all over themselves to help me.  It’s disconcerting really.  To realize that I am so intimidated by this one class.  This one class that stands between me and the rest of my life.  I wonder if maybe on a subconscious level this is my way of not having to face the uncertainty of the rest of my life.  Things have been anything but easy for the past 10 years that’s for sure.  Am I sabotaging myself?  Am I in some kind of subliminal struggle between my Id and my superego to keep me in  academic limbo for the rest of my life.  I mean come on, I will be 50 years old in 9 days.  Officially a grown up.  Maybe my pleasure-seeking, I want it now ID is rebelling.  Blocking my ability to retain anything I hear and perform in class from one day to the next keeping me in this weird phase in my life while my Super Ego is demanding to be let out of this vicious cycle and my Ego is in the corner sucking her thumb refusing to do her job and mediate between the two.  Maybe I over psychologize everything.  Maybe I shouldn’t try to understand algebra.  Maybe I should learn the steps whether or not they make sense to me and just do them.  But that’s just it, there are so many steps.  There are so many questions and equations that are similar that I can’t figure out which is which.  Am I supposed to change the sign here or reverse the symbol there.  What formula do I use to solve this equation?  Is there a song to help me remember this one?  I guess there’s a reason why they teach this stuff to young people.  They have not yet acquired the mental baggage that takes up most of the cognitive space in your brain.  I just wish there was a way that a doctor could crack my head open and surgically implant all the algebra I need to know, I could take the final while I’m unconscious and wake up with an A.  This is really overwhelming me right now.  My desk is covered with all the guided notes for the 2 chapters that will be on the test friday.  It’s so much information.  “Do you do math everyday?”  Duh!!!  Maybe that’s the problem.  I do it everyday.  I spend hours and hours looking at it practicing it, doing homework on-line I even did some over spring break with what little time I had available.  I do words, I don’t do numbers!

Ok.  I got that out of my system…I’ll take a nap, and then give it another shot.

I don’t give up.

I can’t.


~ by Diva2de on March 12, 2013.

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