Stalkerish (only not as creepy)

My vacation /spring break is almost over.  So far I have helped my youngest daughter with her second (out-of-town) baby shower, and watched my two grandchildren while my oldest daughter performs in Dreamgirls.  I love my children and I don’t mind doing anything I can to help them.  From the day the first one drew breath I decided that I would stop being the selfish, shoe-buy, clothes-buying, gotta have my space it’s all about me little girl that I was and be a woman responsible and willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary for her children.  I did that.  I do that.  I don’t think there will ever come a time that I will stop doing that because they are mine.  Whatever they need, or even want I will do because I love them.  I am having a hard time shifting back to myself being the center of my universe.  I don’t know if I can.  When you carry someone in your body for 9 months, hold them when they can’t even hold their heads up by themselves, bathe them, feed them, change their diapers, help them take their first steps and teach them their first words, how to tie their shoes, kiss their tears away, hold them as they cry through their first broken heart, it is difficult to stop being that for them.  Even when they begin to push you away you stand in the background, praying and watching, (almost like a stalker but not as creepy) for them to notice you.  You watch Christmases and birthdays and Mother’s Days go by and they barely remember you’re there but still you wait.  You wait for them to notice that they still need you, that you still love them, that you’re still there for them.  Sometimes you go ignored and sometimes you get taken advantage of but it doesn’t matter because they are your children.  You love them no matter what.  Now this is not some secret subliminal complaint about my kids.  This is me being thankful, regardless of whether or not I’m tired or that my vacation is almost over that I’m able to be here for my kids.  I lost my mother when I was 31 years old.  I still needed her.  I still need her.  The absence of her presence looms large in my life.  I don’t have her shoulder to cry on anymore or her kick in the butt when I need it.  I miss that so much and it just doesn’t go away no matter how long the years stretch out since she passed away.  So I will continue to be there for my daughters and my son.  I will come when they call and turn around and go back when I’m halfway home if they need me to.  I will lose sleep and I will have bed jumping parties with my grandchildren to wear them out so they will sleep (and I can too).  As long as I am able I will be there for them, in the background or the foreground or underground, where ever they need me to be, because I love them, and they will always be mine.  Kinda like a stalker, just not as creepy.


~ by Diva2de on March 9, 2013.

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