As long as it takes

I stayed up almost all night studying for my math test. I took the practice test over and over until I felt comfortable with it. I wrote and rewrote those equations until I had papers with equations all over the place and it started to all run together. I felt the familiar panic rise up in the back of my throat. I pushed down. I convinced myself I’d be fine. I got up this morning and it was 7:37. The class starts at 8. Panic! I had to drive to class instead of walk. As I was leaving my car I kept reminding myself that everything would be different but it would be ok. (I recently realized that when things are not as I expect them to be it throws me off). Got there at five ’til. They were already taking the test. I felt the panic rise in the back of my throat. Again I pushed it down. I had to sit in the back, not my usual spot in the front. I sat down, the test was face down on the desk. I turned it over and it didn’t look like anything that I studied. I still tried to push the panic down. Then she said “ten minutes”. What the CRAP! I just sat down how can there be only 10 minutes left? Then she said “two minutes”. Then I did something I don’t normally do. I GAVE UP. I gave up, how could I give up? Did I really have a choice? Two minutes and if I didn’t have it by then it probably wasn’t going to happen. So, I don’t think I did well on the test. Then as I was walking back to my car, I had a complete math melt down, tears, snot and all. I wanted to change my major. It didn’t matter that I’m already 126 hours into this thing I was determined to find a major that I didn’t need to do algebra for! I went to the advising center and they basically laughed at me. (At least they waited til I left.) This didn’t help me at all. It just increased my snotty tearfulness. I went to the counseling center, crying and snotting all the way (good thing they’re in the same building). I sat there for about twenty minutes filling out paperwork. The counselor that came in was small and unassuming. He nodded a lot and said “I understand”. I did more tearful snotting and then he said “Well here’s something you can consider. Continue with the class, and then, if you don’t do well, just retake it.” It was like a cinder block fell off my back. It’s not the end of the world if I fail algebra. I can always take it again. Why didn’t I think of that? I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself. I’ve waited all these years to complete my degree. It’s gonna take as long as it takes.

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~ by Diva2de on February 8, 2013.

One Response to “As long as it takes”

  1. Keep your head and your prayers up. Remember that the things you work hardest for you cherish the most. That degree is coming!

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