Never after

As I approach the half century mark in my life I’ve become very reflective.  Well actually I’m always very reflective.  Basically I think too much.  Tonight as watch the Bachelor (yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic) I was thinking about the end of my marriage.  I didn’t leave my ex because I didn’t love him.  I left because of how much I loved him.  I’m not sure that he ever loved me, as much as he loved the idea of me.  When we met I was that girl.  You know the one that is pretty and knows it.  Sassy and flashy and everybody wants her.  That was me back then.  When I arrived at the unit in Germany most of the guys wanted to talk to me.  I was interested in him.  We were together 18 years.  We had more downs that ups. He believed that once you were married if that’s the way it went then that’s just the way it went.  I realized early on that the real me wasn’t what he wanted.  Once we had kids and bills and a mortgage and car payments it was too hard to get out.  I tried really hard to make him happy but it seemed that the harder I tried the less happy he was.  I lost myself for a while there.  The game changer for me was reading a 10 year old journal and finding that I was still complaining about the same things.  I had to accept that it wasn’t going to change.  I’d been married for 18 years and I tried everything I knew how to make it work.  I finally had to accept that it was always going to be the way it was.  The next question that I had to ask myself was  if I wanted to live with that for the rest of my life.  The answer was no.  I’d always told him that I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy even if it meant he would be happy without me.  So, on January 15,2004 I left.  Despite the ups and downs that I’ve faced since then I have no regrets.  I’m happy with who I am and where I am in my life.  If I hadn’t had the guts to admit that it wasn’t working and do something about it we could still be arguing constantly and making everybody around us miserable.  He’s happy now and we are able to occupy the same space when it comes to our children.  I realized that I don’t have to be mad at him anymore since I don’t have to live with him.  I’ve also acknowledged my own culpability in the demise of our marriage.  Some people can live happily ever after together, others can live happily ever after apart.

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~ by Diva2de on February 6, 2013.

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