I don’t go Christmas shopping

Perhaps I’m a social anomaly.  I don’t shop.  I got to the store and get food and I buy gas and I get things that I need to survive but I don’t shop.  Don’t get me wrong I used to.  Back in the day I had so many pairs of shoes that it’s embarrassing to me now.  When I was on active duty and stationed at Ft. Hood, every payday I would go to the mall and buy pants and blouses and socks and sneakers to match and sunglasses and matching accessories.  I thought I was cute back then and that the world revolved around me.  Maybe it was just that I couldn’t see the world past my own shallow wants and needs.  It started changing for me when I had kids.  They became the most important people in the world to me.  It was more important for me that they had everything that they needed and so to that end I shopped.  I went to the grocery store and bought buggies full of food, and I took them to the mall and bought them clothing and toys and shoes and everything was about them.  And then when Christmas came along, before black friday was a thing the EX and I would go to Toys R Us the day after Thanksgiving and spend more than we could afford to give to our children all the things that we didn’t have when we were kids.  Then a couple of years later we were introduced to lay offs, and no over time and before you know it all the things that we thought made us happy were gone and our marriage fell apart and I found myself a single mother trying to raise the two remaining teenagers I had at home on one inadequate income.  And that is when I realized that it was all a sham.  I realized that material things don’t bring you joy.  Oh they may make you happy temporarily, but they don’t bring joy.  There is nothing that you can bring into your life that brings joy.  Not anything material.  Joy is something that is inside you, it’s a state of being and understanding the world around you.  Joy, for me, comes from knowing that it’s ok for me to be who I am. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to always be happy, I don’t have to fit into someone else’s idea of what I’m supposed to be, but I digress. I stopped shopping when I realized that buying things doesn’t permanently change your state of being.  I will not be shopping for Christmas this year.  I can’t remember the last time I went Christmas Shopping.  What I’m going to do this year for Christmas is go to the homeless shelter and serve lunch and dinner to its residents.  My grandchildren will outgrow all the things they get for Christmas before they get tired of them or break them.  My adult children are healthy and safe.  Having lived in a homeless shelter I know what it feels like to believe that the rest of the world has forgotten you or written you off.  So I will go into the homeless shelter and serve meals to people who have hit a bump in the road.  Maybe I will be able to talk to them or maybe all I will be able to do is put some green beans or something on their plates, but I will do it with a smile.  I will make eye contact with them and acknowledge them as human beings.  I won’t be giving things to people who have more than they ever need.  I will try to give of myself to people who just need a reminder that your current circumstance doesn’t have to be permanent.

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~ by Diva2de on December 16, 2012.

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