More than a little blue…

I’m not having a good day.  For some people that may mean that things are not going the way they expected.  For me that means that the depression is winning today.  I battle it every day of my life.  Especially this time of year.  It’s not the weather because we don’t have terrible winters here and it’s still very pleasant.  I don’t know if it’s because the Anniversary of my sister’s death was a few days ago, or if I’ve got too much on my plate (which is not unusual).  I just know that it starts with insomnia.  No matter how tired my body is I can’t sleep.  When day light comes I don’t want to get out of bed.  Not because I’m sleepy, just because I don’t want to deal with the world.  I feel the desire to retreat from the world everyday, I just push past it and do what I have to do.  I couldn’t today.  I missed my one class and have been sitting in my room all day staring at the walls.  I have to be at work at 1pm.  I really don’t want to go there because I don’t know if I can handle getting yelled at and cursed at for 4 hours.  I can’t call in sick because previous bouts of depression have used up all by time off.  Well not just that, there have been 5 deaths this year.  I will go to work today because if I don’t I could very well lose my job and I can’t allow that to happen because that may cause me to be a burden to someone else.  So I will force myself to get up from this desk in a very few minutes, I will slap on the smile that doesn’t reach my eyes,  I will sit in that chair and allow myself to be the verbal punching bag of people who blame me for their phone bills not being paid, I will ignore my flight or fight response (mostly the fight), and then, after rehearsal for the Color Purple, I will come back to this spot, I will remove the fake happy and try not to let depression get the upper hand tomorrow.

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~ by Diva2de on October 16, 2012.

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