A letter to Mama

This was an assignment in my creative non-fiction class. I didn’t realize that this was such an emotional issue for me until I started reading it and crying like a punk!

Hey Ma,

Since Grandma has been sick I’ve been thinking a lot about change. How much I’ve changed and how much I want to change. I guess I should back up a little bit. Since you died I’ve gotten divorced and moved back home. When I came home I was broken, emotionally bankrupt, devastated and just plain tired. I was so not prepared for raising and supporting the kids by myself. Never thought I’d have to resort to going to court to get child support but I did. I had a lot of struggles. They changed me. I’m stronger now, or maybe not stronger but strong in different places.

You know that Darlene died, because she’s there with you. It’s strange losing a sibling. She, like you died young, 51. That’s why I’ve been thinking about change. I don’t wanna die young Mama. I don’t want somebody else to have to show pictures of me to Naima and tell her about her Nana, like I have to do with Tyanna about you and Trevor will have to do with Kayla about Darlene. So I’ve been trying to learn how to be healthier, to give up the habits that I didn’t even realize I picked up from you and Grandma. To live past the age of 56. I’ll be 48 this year, Mama, in just a few weeks. I want to live past 56. Grandma’s 86 but she doesn’t have the quality of life that she would’ve if she’d tried to change before it was too late. Now she can’t even get out of the bed by herself, but then she couldn’t even before she got sick.

She’s getting better now, I think I am too because I realized that making lasting change starts with the decision to do so. I can change. I will change. Maybe I won’t live past the age of 56, but at least I will have tried and maybe i can leave a better legacy for my granddaughter. She’s so cute, Mama, you would love her. She smiles all the time and laughs that cute little baby laugh with her tongue between her gums. She’s crawling already. She just turned six months old. I want to break the bad habits that have plagued us for 5 generations and see her children and maybe even her grand children.

I love you Mama, and I miss you so much.

D.

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~ by Diva2de on February 15, 2011.

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