…sum of all my parts

I think I kinda like the idea of writing what I feel and knowing that since I haven’t tried to “publicize” my blog nobody will see it until I feel like letting somebody know it’s here. I don’t feel like letting anybody know it’s here right now. When I was a little kid growing up in a big family, if there was something that I got out of a bubblegum machine that I wanted to keep and not have other people handle it and possible break it I would hide it inside my pillowcase. In my adult life there have been a few things that I didn’t want to share so I put them in my mental pillow case. In my mental pillowcase only I had access to that secret thing. I could touch and keep it safe. Make sure it was unharmed. That’s what this is right now for me. A place where I can empty my mental mess without having to worry about somebody else’s opinion of my pain. The thing about pain is that it’s not comparable. I think it’s awfully unfair to say that someone who lost a child suffers less pain then someone who was raped. The worst thing that ever happened to me hurts me just as much as the worst thing that ever happened to you. Pain is subjective.

So tonight what’s inside my secret pillowcase is the fact that I still love my ex-husband. It really pisses me off that I do, and I can’t stand him, but there’s still a part of me that loves him. Not like my favorite pair of jeans type of love, or my delicious partly homemade guacamole kind of love. If it were that, then maybe I could get over it. It’s nothing so benign. It is that love of my life, I can’t seem to get over it, unable to let go of the past and move on with somebody else, compare everybody else to him even though he treated my like crap type of stupid love. He is on my mind today because it’s his birthday. I try to tell myself every year that I won’t acknowledge it but I always do. He never remembered mine even during the 18 years I was married to him. I would constantly remind him that it was coming up but he didn’t care. Birthday’s were never a big thing to him. Mine has always been to me. His was to me because he was to me. It really sucks. I keep saying that I want to be in a relationship but when someone comes along I push them away because I’m stuck on somebody who’s long since stopped caring about me. People think I left him because I didn’t love him. I left him because he didn’t love me. I’m not sure he ever did. People don’t say the types of things that he used to say to me to people that they love. It’s ridiculous. I still hear his voice inside my head, like a broken record. I told him everything. I let him see what was in my secret pillowcase and he used it all against me. How will I ever be able to trust another man? How will I ever be able to allow myself to be vulnerable? I can’t risk it. It’s been 7 years and it still hurts just as much as if it happen this morning. The betrayal. I alway used to say that I loved him so much that I wanted to see him happy. Even if it meant being happy without me. The kids say he’s a different person. They say he’s happy with his new wife. I guess I got what I wanted…sort of.

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~ by Diva2de on February 10, 2011.

One Response to “…sum of all my parts”

  1. Be encouraged! It is okay 2 feel the way you r feeling. Everything is gonna be alright. Sometimes we hold on to things that are dead and if you think about it people would get locked up in jail throw away the key if this were to happen in the physical form. Sometimes you have to get a different perspective on things. Is he a different person or with a different person making it a different situation. You must seperate yourself from the lack of that he had for you. You seem to be internalizing it and making it yours. It does not belong to you let it go. That was his issue. Your gonna have to trust again and do all these things again or you will become lost. Humble yourself and realize this is what it is. Life and people are going to keep on moving with or without you. You see he has moved on. You put yourself through suffering for a lot of years and knew what time it was with your ex. Okay, kick yourself in the butt and keep on moving. You cannot help find the solution if you have become apart of the problem. It sounds like you are the person you can’t get over not him. I think he is the fall guy. You sound miserably comfortable.7 years are you gonna spend another 7 like this? You don’t know who you are. You will find all u need when you take the time to find Him.

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