no answers…questions

•March 30, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Today I’m very overwhelmed.  I go…on and on and on, doing and pressing and trying to become…what?  What is it that I’m trying to prove and who am I trying to prove it to?  The fact that I don’t have the answer to this question is very telling.  Am I trying to out run myself, my past, my fear, my destiny?  I really can’t say..all I know is that I cannot stop!  I am the purveyor of possibility and positivity and yet today I feel anything but.  Do my feelings really matter?  And if they don’t matter to me will they matter to anyone else?  I say all the time that you teach people how to treat you.  Have I taught the people in my life that they are more important than I am?  Have I taught them that their needs and desires are more important than mine? Or have I placed my destiny and my calling over and above my feelings of tiredness and yes (sometimes) loneliness and anger and (even) hopelessness?  I don’t have an answer for any of this.  I just know that whatever the answer is, today is not the day that I will find it.  Perhaps I’m not looking for answers at all…maybe I’m looking for the right questions.

changes…

•March 24, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Since the last time I posted a blog I have become an ordained reverend and written a play (well 1 and 1/2 still working on one).  Oh and I kinda have a boyfriend (can you call them BOYfriend if they’re over 50).  That last bit is the most interesting and disrupting of my normalcy.  I’m not sure if I can allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable enough to let it grow.  That’s just me being honest.  Vulnerability is scary. Do I completely let my guard down and risk getting hurt again?  I mean I’m too old for crying myself to sleep if things don’t work out.  It seems really trivial anyway with all the real problems in the world. I think if I am really being honest with myself what really scares me the most is that it may actually work out.  I mean, seriously, what if it does actually work out?  Then what becomes of my autonomy?  What becomes of my solitude?  What becomes of my ability to do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anybody?  Relationships are hard work.  Would I be losing my sense of who I am becoming (and believe me, as old as I am, I am still becoming)?  I like that I can go to PCJ right after work and study until they kick me out.  I like that I can have cake for dinner.  I like that cooking is optional and pajamas don’t matter.  I like  not getting a pedicure except on special occasions and not shaving my pits if I don’t want to.  I like farting loudly and not having to excuse myself.  I like being unencumbered by the need to “take care of my man”.  So do I just keep my guard up and smile prettily when he’s in town and just go back to boogers and toe jam when he’s gone?  Or do I allow it to grow if it is indeed meant to grow into a full blown relationship? It’s a scary prospect.  The prospect of feeling compelled to try to become what he wants me to be instead of simply being who I am.  And why do we do that anyway? Why do we try to become what they want instead of the other way around?  Is it those pesky fairy tales that were read to us when we were kids?  Those stories that erroneously led us to believe that we have to be perfect to be loved. That we have to sing and birds come and land on our shoulders, or that we can turn the raving beast into a handsome prince.  Who wrote that crap???  It is probably the reason why, in this patriarchal society, girls who are strong and independent are called mean and bossy and that other “B” word.  I enjoy being free to be  myself.  I guess the real deal is, if me and Mr. Man are going to become anything real he will have to understand who I am.  He will have to realize that I will compromise no more than he does and we will have to meet somewhere in the middle.  Now, I know that some Sally super-christian or Paul perpetrator will say,”but the bible says…”I would love to discuss that with you, just make sure you know what it says in the original text (not the KJV either that’s not the original text) then we can have an informed discussion. But anyway…I guess we will just have to see how it all plays out.  In the mean time, I’m still gonna have cake for dinner when I feel like it whether he’s in town or not.  He’ll just have to get used to me being me and he can be himself and we’ll either learn that we like each other the way we are or we will go our separate ways.  Either way, pedicures are still for special occasions…

So Long…

•January 22, 2016 • Leave a Comment

It has been so long since I’ve blogged that I don’t remember where I left off.  Probably at graduation.  What a wonderful day that was for me.  A life long dream achieved.  So what’s happened since then? Well…whew!  Let’s see, I now work for the Department of Social services, using my degree to the fullest!  It only took 4 months to find a job.  Now that I’ve been there for almost a year it seems like it wasn’t long at all, but when I was looking it felt like and eternity! I am now a “radio personality”!  I have an inspirational show called Morning Coffee that comes on Monday-Friday 5:40 am-6am (Just before the Rickey Smiley Show), and on Sunday 6:30-7am.  It is on Coast 97.3 (you can download the app from the app store if you’re interested in listening).  My public/motivational speaker/preacher thing has grown to the degree that I had to get someone to help me manage my schedule so that I won’t double book (anymore).

I am so humbled to be living the life that I’m living right now.  I know that  all of the things that I’ve experienced  over the last 10-15 have been to prepare me for this moment.  This season in my life.  I am blessed beyond measure, because had I not gone through the things I went through, I would somehow believe that all the wonderful things that are happening in my life have something to do with my actions and my intelligence and my worthiness.  But God in His (or Her) infinite wisdom, carried me through some very rough times to show me that it is by grace, through faith and ultimately mercy that I am still even alive today.  I take no day for granted and pray that, everyday that I am given, I will be able to help someone else who is going through the “process of the press” understand that there is hope.  I give GOD all the glory.  None of this is by chance or happenstance.  It is by divine design. So I live my life attempting daily to be a vessel that God can use.

No More

•March 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It has been rumored that #Empire is debating using “the ‘n’word” in its dialogue to add more authenticity.  I love that show, but I will stop watching it with the quickness if that happens.  Here’s the thing, that word is offensive I don’t  care who uses it.  I’m not comfortable with it in music, I was not comfortable when it was used on TV back in the day when there was nobody on who looked like me and I would not be comfortable with it on TV if the person using it does look like me.  It’s a word designed to strip me of dignity and humanity.  I am angered by the SAE video that surfaced from OU.  Based on the lyrics (which reference hanging from a tree) this song is steeped in tradition (even if only for that chapter).  Kudos to the national President for acting swiftly.  But we can’t be angry about that and not be angry about the use of this word in music.  In my opinion, NOBODY gets a pass with this word.  Nobody!  Yesterday as I entered the bastion of southern consumerism (Wal-mart), I heard loud music coming from a booming system in a big black ford truck and I heard that one word.  The kid behind the wheel was white.  How can we expect other people not to call us what we continue to call ourselves? It is time for us to realize that this word is unacceptable in EVERY arena and aspect of our lives.  Point blank.  Period!

Graduating…finally!

•December 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I have not blogged the entire semester.  I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but school.  That might seem a little crazy.  How long does it take to blog?  Well the real question is “How long does it take to graduate from college?”  For me the answer is 33 years.  NO that’s not a typo.  If you’ve read this blog before then you may know a little of my struggle.  I’m a non-traditional student.  I’m a non-traditional-dorm-dwelling student.  Tomorrow, I will finally finish a journey that got derailed 33 years ago.  When I was a fresh freshman at North Carolina Central University, I was raped by an acquaintance.  He was a foot ballplayer who was in one of my classes.  I flunked out of school after that, because I never left my room. Back then there was no such thing as date rape so I didn’t even start to talk about it until I was over 30 years old.  That experience sent me on a spiral that took me to the darkest pit of depression.  I was never the same after that and I blamed myself.  In the time that followed, I joined the army, married, had kids.  I even sought therapy.  I got on with my life.  In the back of my mind I kept believing that one day I would go back to school.  Even during the times when it seemed an impossibility I still believed that I would go back to school.  In 2004, I separated from my then husband of 17 years.  In 2005  after the divorce was final I started going back to school.  I had two kids still in high school so I still had to work to support them.  Amid the voices around me telling me that i should wait to go back to school, that I had to worry about taking care of my children I started out taking just 2 classes a semester. I started out taking two classes because I believed that maybe they were right.  Maybe this would be too much for me.  I wasn’t good at math, it had been so many years, maybe I wasn’t as smart as I thought.  I did it anyway.  Then I took my first Psychology class, and I knew that I was doing the right thing.  I still struggled with math and had to take Algebra 3 times before I passed.  Tomorrow, December 13, 2014 I will graduate from  the University of North Carolina Wilmington with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Minor in Creative Writing.  My parents, children, grandchildren and friends will be there to support me.  On this journey I lost everything I own…twice.  I lost my job, my place to live, and even my pride.  There were a couple of things that I didn’t lose, as a matter of fact they were strengthened.  I didn’t lose my faith, my mind or my belief in myself.  I’m writing this today because maybe somebody will read it who has been through similar  situations.  Maybe there’s somebody who is just about to give up on themselves.  I’m writing this to tell you to never give up.  You’re going to have ups and downs in life, that’s just a part of living.  Find a way to be content regardless of your circumstance.  Don’t let what’s going on around you steal your joy.  Some people will tell you , if you don’t like your circumstances change them.  As with me that is not always a quick journey.  If your process of changing your circumstances is long and arduous, NEVER GIVE UP.  I’m not superhuman, I’m not any different than anybody else in anyway but one.  I trust GOD in a radical and almost ridiculous way.  When I believe that He is directing me toward something (like this college degree) I won’t turn back no matter how hard the road seems.  I believe that His word is true and that He will supply all of my need.  I haven’t had everything I’ve wanted on this journey, but I’ve had everything I needed.  The Last thing I’ll say is this, a dream deferred is not a dream denied.  Love yourself enough to block all the voices that are contrary to what your inner voice is telling you.  If I can do it all these years later, so can you.  I don’t feel like this is the end of a long and hard fought journey.  This is only the beginning.

On the Cusp

•August 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I remember when I was married and unhappy and depressed and suicidal.  Those were dark days for me.  I wasn’t sure if I would survive.  My soul had closed in on itself not allowing any light in.  My heart was a desolate place and my mind was filled with confusion.  I wanted something else but I didn’t know what it was that I wanted.  The pain was too much to bear.  I didn’t know how I was going to give the love and support to my 3 kids when I didn’t love and support myself.  How could I teach them that their dreams were attainable when I hadn’t achieved mine and felt I never would?  How was I going to go on living when inside all I felt was death? So I cried out to God.  Yes, I cried out to God because I was on sinking sand, and as a kid I learned a hymn “On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand”.  I was angry at God and I really let Him (or Her) have it! Why did you let all these things happen to me?  Why couldn’t I be happy?  Why don’t I know who I am? I screamed and I cried until I was physically exhausted.   Then, in that moment when all my anger and energy was gone, I heard that still small voice…it’s not audible it’s an unction a compelling force that you hear in your mind and feel in your heart.  It told me to go to the bible and find out who I am.  So I began to read in a way that I never had before.  I read with curiosity and not compulsion.  I read with openness and I found the answers that I needed.  Many people say that “religion is the opiate of the masses”, but religion is not what I’m talking about here.  I’m talking about a journey of self discovery.   2 Corinthians 5:17 told me that  I am a new creation, the old things are passed away.  All things become new.  That said to me that I didn’t have to stay in the darkness and pain.  Romans 8:35 told me that nothing could separate me from His love.  John 3:16 told me that He loved me so much that He turned Himself into Himself and died in my place.  From that point I was able to let the Light in.   This was just the first step in that journey, it pointed me in the right direction.  I know that I am loved by Love itself.  I am forgiven and I am healed.  I still mess up but when I do I don’t beat myself up.  Now all these years later I stand at the cusp of my last semester as an undergrad and those dark days are just a memory. I still have bad days I have been able to endure because know that I am being constantly transformed by the renewing of my mind.  In five months on December 13, 2014, when I graduate with by BA in Psychology, when I go on to get my Life Coach Certification, my MFA in Creative Writing/Poetry and MDiv, I will sing loud and proud To God be the Glory for the things He (or She) has done!

Make it Viral

•August 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Published on Jul 31, 2014

BROADWAY STARS SEND A MESSAGE ABOUT POLICE VIOLENCE AND THE KILLING OF ERIC GARNER

On July 29th, at 6pm WalkRunFly Productions (Warren Adams & Brandon Victor Dixon) partnered with poet Daniel J. Watts, and over 100 Broadway stars, directors, producers, musicians, choreographers, designers and technicians in Times Square to send a message about violence and the killing of Eric Gardner. CREDITS WalkRunFly Productions http://www.wrfprod.com Produced By Warren Adams & Brandon Victor Dixon Poem written and performed by Daniel J. Watts http://www.wattswords.com Edited by Darryl Harrison Visual Architect Videographers Lowell Freedman, Antonio Thompson, Darryl Harrison, And Jesse Guma